Gasping, Out-Of-Shape Olympians Beg IOC To Postpone Games

Illustration for article titled Gasping, Out-Of-Shape Olympians Beg IOC To Postpone Games

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Gearing up for the Tokyo Games after a yearlong delay due to Covid-19, a group of gasping, out-of-shape athletes representing a variety of different sports reportedly pleaded with the International Olympic Committee Friday to postpone the event for another summer or two. “Please, esteemed committee members, as you know, everyone was stuck at home this past year, and it was hard to stay active, let alone in peak shape,” said the panting, beer-bellied diver David Boudia, a four-time Olympic medalist who spoke at IOC headquarters on behalf of the several dozen runners, swimmers, and gymnasts doubled over behind him. “We athletes would really appreciate it if you’d consider delaying—hang on. Christ, that was a lot of stairs. Just give me a minute. Okay. As I was saying, the effect of so much time on the couch during those lockdowns kind of snuck up on us. We were in top condition and ready to go last year, but…speaking of couches, do you mind if we sit down? A lifestyle of rigorous training, diet, and exercise was impossible to maintain with gym closures and stay-at-home orders. Just give us another year or so, and we’ll be back in top form. But for the moment, holy shit, could I just get a glass of water? I’m about to pass out.” At press time, the athletes and the IOC announced they had reached a satisfactory compromise wherein, for this year only, steroid use would be allowed and encouraged.

The Onion